Chaotic plans and musings

 I still don't know how to start. Or is it just a train of thought that momentarily inspired me to write something? I want to see where it leads. Or I want it to lead somewhere meaningful. Not talking just about this post but the whole project. I think I am onto something. And that there is a necessity to get that something out there.

I can kinda see some avenues and have identified certain goals. I know where this might be going, but the main issue is that I am always chaotic and low in conscientiousness. I jump from subject to subject. From finalizing my thoughts to other creative activities. Meanwhile I don't work on this everyday. Maybe it's because I have other priorities or I don't think it will reach an audience. But I don't mind much about the second, I can just deploy my thoughts here and there. But there should be structure and some good goals.

The first strategy is to write more structured essays on specific concepts that I deem important. Especially to identify blind spots that not many people talk about in society. It all reflects back of course on my own life and worries. It's like how I heard from Uberboyo maybe, that Nietzsche was lamenting other thinkers who born their philosophical thoughts out of their own misery. Which might lock you in an echochamber of how you see reality but not being relevant to the average person. However, I might be identifying certain things that matter to me and they might also be relevant to certain categories of men. They won't make sense to the average normie, but only people with similar worries and anxieties. Where the mainstream wisdom from society just doesn't cut it, and we need something more.

Let's make a leap and write down a concept to remember I just identified today as I was coming from home. Evasion.

I had a vague understanding of that word before, first heard in a title of a book The Human Evasion. I might just be having a poor understanding what it was all about, but I've used it in an other context for a concept I was calling "coder's evasion". That one is different as it had to do something with my programming hobby and behaviours I noticed in some coders in the field. Evade is to avoid, but in a subtle less obvious way, maybe with an excuse or simple justification. I realized as I was thinking of several other issues, of course relating to my struggles (pathetic as Nietzsche would say), how when you are trying to understand some of your issues but it's not the issues of others, some people still don't accept them, but somehow want to minimize them. And I realized many examples of this. I am not angry on people for evading, I am just trying to understand what the psychology behind them is. Evasion is a subject I will put some thought in the future as I sense that there is something important there. It might be related with some other concepts I might have briefly mentioned but need to expand onto.

Let's continue from before the leap above. I am thinking of certain men and women who might have been lost in similar thinking pathways. Back in the day I thought I was lost and alone, but now I see other people's thoughts are forming and leading somewhere. They are onto something in the same way as I feel I am. Listening to certain people on the internet made me realize I am not alone. I know what one will say, "it's dangerous, it's parasocial relationships" but I am trying to be conscious and aware here. You need the connections, especially with others whose thought finally align with yours or their paths might be similar in certain ways. Maybe this is a way to communicate and spread some inspiration and slightly different insight too. It might also be that certain people who are lost, their unique perspectives might not be as well known in the mainstream as it should be, especially neurotic and introverted people. Or people who are not as convinced of mainstream beliefs and understand we need a new perspective that is less visited.

For example, somehow organically after diving into the rabbit hole of cultural wars, since gamergate, I was hooked by various discussions in podcasts and new perspectives, regardless fearing of guilt by association (so it was mostly secret and not discussed with real life people). But at the end, there were few that sticked out to me and were close to my thought process. From all the weird groups in these various spaces, whether it's mainstream woke criticism or the so called and misunderstood "manosphere", I mainly ended up with the few people on the men's rights side that get it. I am not sure how much I am into certain subjects discussed, but there is a perspective of having empathy for men, especially the ones that are struggling and are seen by the mainstream (even conservatives or certain sections of the manosphere) as losers. And there is a different way of viewing things, where you are neither expected to be some pro-feminist male, nor an alpha male chad, but find worth in other aspects of life that doesn't necessary have to do with women. Brief mentions to Honey Badger Radio and Thinking-Ape (Stardusk) as they are good examples of the less heard channels that give me hope that there is a unique perspective out there, relevant to my (or other men's) pathways of thinking.

There are also other cultural issues that will cast certain men as weak or losers, even outside women. Some of my perspectives I sense right now, I hope it will add to the subject and give different avenues to those men who are struggling no matter the pathways that are presented to them. I'd also like to expand on what we universally do wrong as a society, the unsolvable problems of the fact that there will always be a hierarchy of losers and winners, yet I don't propose any "levelling of the field" as we have already seen how bad it goes. But we need new perspectives and we need awareness. People don't seem to have at least the awareness and empathy and try to minimize things or belittle the losers (think of the Evasion concept I mentioned). And more parallel thinkers, from the unknown channels to the higher ups. I think I will speak more about my relation to these ideas and people in the future and let that go for now.

I said above that one goal would be to be more conscientious and structured in presenting ideas, certain focus thought, not like this here. I also want to grasp a specific subject and do deeper research. The problem is that right now I jump from thing to another thing, I do watch a podcast here, a discussion there, I pause and reflect on random ideas related to my thoughts and worries, but never feel that sure (and the bombardment of conflicting information doesn't help). There could be few subjects I can try to do more research, but also one mega-subject that I would like to focus my strategy and do truly the structured research unlike what I do now. I have identified that this subject is related to my other hobby/special interest/identity of computer programming and geek culture in relation to cultural cliches and the origin of stereotype, which might relate in some ways to other psychological concepts like Evasion or others, how society treats certain people, how people escape into alternative interests seeking for worth, but also the research I haven't done I found clues which is The Origin. I have been reading Hackers, heroes of the computer revolution for a time that is even before me, and was hooked to find similar negative stereotypes about geeks and computers way back in the 60-70s, while I thought they emerged later in the 80s. Some of them don't make sense directly, but I am curious about the origins if I dig deeper. There are some very interesting intermingling with the left-leaning activist groups at the time, and how the hacker's mind had positive views of his creative computer hobby, while the negativity about computers and it's users are cold and lifeless have passed even through some progressive student publications of the time. I even found one of them on the internet archive (I will find and post later in the future), it's pretty interesting. I think there is something there that leads to the origin, and one might demystify the negative stereotypes if pointing out at the origins. In parallel with a lot of other ideas at the time that have become the woke today, origins of the lifeless male computer nerd stereotype were there too.

To note down before closing, I might want to do more research on the other myths considering women and computing. The well regarded factoid that Ada Lovelace was the first computer programmer, turns out to be a romantic myth that is quite far from the truth. I found that surprising fact by accident as I was reading snippets from Robert Sheaffer's criticism of feminism. I have searched for more articles of the history researchers of Baggage analytical machine who also point out how it's a wholesome myth that stayed but isn't the truth. I'll need to collect more information and articles on that. And another factoid that I really want to touch into, is a graph I've seen once about showing women entering computer science raising till it suddenly started dropping during the 70s. This is presented as "men did something wrong and scared the women away" or maybe because of certain commercial adds showing men in computers and sexy women or whatnot. I did found somewhere a refutation of this graph, but I need to do my own research before posting something. I'd also want to tackle entirely the subject of men and women in computing, and all the misunderstandings and blamings related to various issues. Why you would ask? Do you hate women? Do you not want women in computing? Not what you think. This has to be discussed I think and collect all the information and research around it, as it's used as a narrative in my field to make men feel guilty. Like it's done to a lot of other places. But since I am more connected to this field, I need to do the structured work to tackle it in a respectable way. As much as I might be biased, I will try to be honest with whatever I find. Somehow I feel like we used to be male nerds who were just mocked, trying to find some self worth in our own spaces, to be much later invaded by this ideology that comes a bit unfair in my opinion. It might be related to The Origin I discussed above. I think that even if I find there was some "injustice" towards women, the perspective shouldn't be to hate the other half. I need to lay down my findings in all these subjects but in a way that doesn't just cast one sex against the other. I would even try to steelman the women's worries in the field in some of my writings.

There probably want be a video accompanied with this text. Unless I am in the mood at a later day to voice over it. It might be not worth it as my channel is watched by nobody. I had the idea of the channel as an addition, possibly similar to how I enjoy listening to Stardusk, something simple with a backdrop (which few are usually crappy lazy AI generated DALL-E mini images with an ambient sound). I am trying to find my way with this. My other thought is, at least for the structured well researched articles in the future (if I ever make it possible to finally get on my knees and do the work), I could try to open an account in substack. It's very common nowadays and holding complete articles that are more well researched and carefully written than my random blogpost musings. Something I want to achieve too, at least for the few subjects that I find important to release properly. Time will tell and I have good hopes for 2023 but should I?

A Start

 It's still not easy to start what I envision. But is there a plan or is it pure random? Can you call it creative flow? Or laziness?

I keep thinking of the goal now. The path. Why am I here and doing the exact things in life that I am doing instead of following a more expected life path. But that's also a very interesting question that led me to some other subjects I will wish to talk in the future. But it's a good exercise to sit in a room alone and give time to yourself to question: "Why am I doing the things I am doing? Why didn't I evolve in another way? What makes me, me?"

There are things I sense like I am touching, certain ideas that are not far from the desert of the real but need work. They need planning. Maybe I should research more rather than let my mind wonder around from subject to subject. But I've sensed certain things that I will categorize and specifically talk in the future. I sensed more things this year that's ending, than previous years. I think I am onto something. And that's a reason I decided it's time to write.

Every year at moments where the mind is not preoccupied by other issues or interests, I find myself snapping onto some interesting ideas that I wish I could evolve more. Normally I should have also done some research, but usually I am very chaotic and disorganized and I follow the thread when a thought pops up in my mind and I notice an interesting detail I haven't explored before. Maybe I speak too much about generosities (even my writing goes into tangents all the times, zero plan, just lazy flow) so maybe I should focus on a more specific thing on this short writing. It will mostly be a short mention of few of these ideas I've recently noted down as significant. In the future, I might revisit them (among with other things).

So, here we go.

We need to understand the fundamental human psychological forces behind most humans, regardless their differences in the social, biological, political, cultural or ethical. We have something in common. One rogue psychologist would call it "We all want to be liked". I also think of the so called "virtue signalling" term, that one might think it comes from one side of the political spectrum, but really we all do it, even outside the political. Humans have a certain tendency: We advertise ourselves. We lie to ourselves unconsciously. By participating in the social, we create a personal identity, for example that "I am this person, I believe in these things, so I must be a good person". When we discuss issues, we reflect our opinions back in the sense that "I have expressed this so greatly, I am proud of myself". We pretend that we do it because we want to help. But I think that here is a fundamental human lie. I can't prove it, but I sense there is something. It's one of the reasons behind the sociopolitical struggle exploded through the social media. We all virtue signal by just expressing our opinions, we all lie to our selves or create a sense of personal greatness because of our opinions/ideals/presentation of ourselves to the world.

Meanwhile, to have a sense of greatness, someone else must be less great. We always look for the lesser human, the one with the wrong opinions, the bad political ideas, the less moral. From virtue signalling, you have the phenomenon of cancel culture. We moralize, we attack others to feel like we are the better humans. This is not to say don't do it, my attempt is to understand the desert of the real, if this is our nature that we always hide from ourselves, and it blinds us from seeing the problem here, it keeps us fighting inside and outside of social media, it bloats our ego of being the right humans and them being the wrong people, we need to at least be honest with ourselves and aware of these psychological forces.

This could in a sense be related with another issue dear to me. How we treat the losers of society. We like to moralize and look down up the losers as we have it better because we did the right thing and we need to patronize others as it elevates our sense of being the better person. Meanwhile, because we don't want to seem heartless, we still build those lies around ourselves that we reprimand these people because they need to learn and we just want to help them improve. But we really don't care.

We do this constantly, I have done it too in several occasions. It's easy if you are not in someone's shoes to wonder "But why don't they do something to improve their situation? They are just lazy!". And it elevates our position by calling out the lesser. But masking it in a way that looks like we still have empathy for the other who doesn't even relate to our own life really. Why would someone who has a better life, still have the need to reprimand the one that fails at life. Why is there such a negative connotation with the term "loser"? You wouldn't go out to a poor person on the street and be like "What a loser! He is complaining for being poor and society not caring, but he just did something wrong! Just stop being poor man!!!". And I know there will be excuses like "These are economical losers, so not their fault (Oh, it's the capitalist system bro) (because we also ascribe to this political sense "I care for the poor so I must be good") but instantly switching brains for the let's call them "social losers".

And here is another fundamental thought concerning that. I have a model in my mind where no matter what, there will always be losers! Always!!! Whether it's economical or social losers. I have a model in my mind but maybe I should describe it in another post. And that model tells you, it's pointless to reprimand the one who fails in life, since no matter of how you improve the conditions there will always be a hierarchy. If you make everyone equal somehow, you will still want to be a bit more equal than your equals. You want to exceed in something. Because you have such grandiose idea about your greatness. If you can do a bit more than the next person and be a winner, it means some people will be losers. Todays losers might be winners in the past, if because of the natural human competition standards are raised. No matter what, some people will be resentful or even if they are not, others will look down up them for being such failures. We keep doing this even if it will always be a reality for some. No empathy, yet we pretend empathy because "We must be the better persons, else we wouldn't hate the others, but those losers? They did that to themselves!!!".

This is a big discussion and maybe I should keep this for a future post. There are 2-3 points in this post that are recent subjects I was toing around my had recently. Oh,. the other idea is the idea of goal or life path. How it is shaped by this reality of the above, and how certain people will chose alternative paths as they might fail on the main path most people follow. And the phenomena that this creates. As much as I used to not be a fun of the woke/sjw side of the political spectrum, I recognize that people are attracted to that because it's an alternative path of greatness when they can't acquire the greatness in the most common success paths. My focus on special nerdy interests in contrast with not fitting in social with the mainstream, might reflect that too. That's a big discussion so I have to end it here.

That was a rough throw away of those concepts (and who knows what other fundamental idea I am just forgetting right now, I was toying for few months during some evenings with all these and I forget). I do hope (but not promise) I could cut certain ideas/themes and analyze them in shorter posts in the future. I am also thinking what would be best to do as I go on with the systems in my mind, I could just throw them away there on the internet, or become more organized and plan more specific goals for spreading my ideas. But everything is fluid, everything is chaotic, it always was, so maybe I should not take it too hard for now and just lay down the thoughts. I wouldn't even do that years ago when I was thinking I should start this blog or that page or channel.

I need to start. I really need to. I am not pleased about certain things in the world and I just want to talk about. But find new avenues, not just describe the same ideas we already know, but touch the unknown, get closer to the desert of the real.

?

 Start.

What is it?

How to start?

What it's purpose?

Is it my purpose?

What is MY purpose?

What is the Goal..

I don't know how to start. Have done blogs and videos and other kind of stuff back in the past. Always has this great idea or that thing I really want to get out of my chest. I sit in my sofa in the darkness, I start thinking, it comes in but never in written form. By the time I decide to start it on my computer, it just doesn't come.

I had this issue back in the days when I was walking in the streets and had that idea of writing about something. Thoughts always bothered me. I would come back to reach my PC, then I would get writer's block. When there is a flow of some interesting thoughts, they are in the moment, and you think you are onto something and it's very important and you have to write it. Then you forget about it.

I am planning to start another one (I tried this already 3 times, forming empty blogs or youtube channels that by now I must have deleted). I have a barrage of thoughts, not just today but for several months. And I think I need to write about the things I've found once again. I just need to find the right process. Else this will end up being another forgotten blog.

I am planning to combine this with another youtube channel I have ready. More like the same script spoken softly. There are certain channels that capture the style I want to lean. Just a simple spoken voice with something in the background, not sure what, I need to find a simple process with this so that it doesn't take me much time but still captures the feels.

I don't know if I can describe what this blog and channel will be about. I have snipset of ideas about some things I really want to talk about. They are obscure subjects not easily appealing in our social environment. They are not necessary controversial in the political sense but rather misfits in the social view of the world. They might even attack the human. The true reality out there, what I like to call the desert of the real, a term I've heard somewhere, is in a sense deeply antisocial. It's the things we humans don't like to hear. It's called the desert of the real because you won't find many humans surrounding their vicinity. You are alone there..

With that, I'll start this first post and hopefully I can also find the process and will to remake this in a video format. Hopefully I can get it through and make it a routine of posting the barrage of forbidden thoughts that are constantly incoming and need to be expressed.